It would be so easy to make the title of this entry "ch-ch-ch-changes," but god almighty, how cliché and boring would that be? And then I would be quoting Bowie when I had the chance to quote Melissa.
Do people ever change? Can we, really? Is it possible to change? Not change who we are, but change our behaviors, our thoughts, reactions, opinions? Or are we just showing different parts of ourselves at different times of our lives. Do we rotate our "personalities" to conform to our situations, or to defy them, even?
I think true change, if it's at all possible, can only come when we're not actively trying to make a change. More like evolving based on our life experiences instead of consciously changing.
And is this all just a matter of semantics?
When you're trying to make a change, you are completely aware of the different courses of action you're taking, and I think I am of the mind that you can change something just by observing it, so maybe the power lies in others. Of course, that just might be a way to avoid the responsibility of making a change for yourself and pin your inability to change on someone else.
New Year's resolutions. Why not decide to make a change on August 17? Just an excuse not to make a change. Or if you make a change temporarily on January 1, and you fuck up in February, you can claim the pressure of a New Year's resolution was just too much. You'll do it next year, really, you will.
And why do we get uncomfortable when other people change? We may not realize it, but it happens, more than we'd like to admit. When other people change, intentionally or not, we have to accept that change, at least acknowledge it. If we don't, we have to be prepared to let them go. And why not? This new changed person doesn't fit the same profile anymore. She may not even meet the same needs. Sometimes we have people in our lives to fit very specific needs, voids, and if those people change and no longer meet those needs, why do we still need them? There are those people who will try to keep you from changing to meet your own needs so that you keep on meeting their needs. Those are the people you need to run away from -- fast.
Not to say you have to establish a whole new circle of friends if you go through some major change, but the ones in your current circle will show you who they are and why they're there. If they bolt, you're better off. If they try to keep you from changing, you should bolt, and you'll be better off. If you they accept you as you change and grow, then you made the right decision bringing them into your circle in the first place.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
decisions, decisions
"You are everything I never knew I always wanted."
Yeah, another movie quote. So sue me. That's my thing.
What do you call decisions you wish you could have made but didn't because circumstances dictated they would have been the wrong decisions at the time, yet if you could make them now, in your current circumstances, you just might? It's not regret. That would mean that I wish I'd made a different decision, and I don't. It wasn't even a choice, really. It was simply not an option to be entertained. I just did what was right for my life at the time. Had I not, I most certainly would not have the life I have now, which is pretty good, and which, ironically, could possibly have afforded me the luxury of making that fateful decision. I'm being vague and confusing, right?
It doesn't matter. The point isn't what that decision was, but what you'd call this "what if?" feeling. Maybe it is just as simple as "what if?" Maybe I'm overthinking it. But that's just me. I like to think, "What would it be like now if things had been different then, if I'd been in a position to make different choices?" Obviously it would be different, but how? And what would my life be like if I were in a position to make that decision today?
It's not even a matter of "If I knew then what I know now," because it's not what I know necessarily. It's where I am, who I am. No matter what I knew back then, that decision, that "choice," as it were, would have been a bad one. Or at least not a good one. This is the first time in my life I feel as if I would be qualified to make that decision, and it's simply not an option, for many reasons. It's like saying "You can't get there from here." A Catch-22, even. Or like the cruel irony of youth being wasted on the young. Only this isn't exactly cruel. It makes me a little sad, maybe a touch melancholy. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think makes me appreciate the circumstances I've wandered into by not making that decision.
It's all good. The decisions (and lack thereof) that have led me to where I am now -- I'd consider them the right ones. For me. At the time. In my circumstances. If I had them to make now, in this life, in these circumstances, I might choose differently. And just knowing that, strangely, is enough. Maybe that's because it has to be enough; I'll never know. But it is, and that's OK. And it still makes me smile.
Yeah, another movie quote. So sue me. That's my thing.
What do you call decisions you wish you could have made but didn't because circumstances dictated they would have been the wrong decisions at the time, yet if you could make them now, in your current circumstances, you just might? It's not regret. That would mean that I wish I'd made a different decision, and I don't. It wasn't even a choice, really. It was simply not an option to be entertained. I just did what was right for my life at the time. Had I not, I most certainly would not have the life I have now, which is pretty good, and which, ironically, could possibly have afforded me the luxury of making that fateful decision. I'm being vague and confusing, right?
It doesn't matter. The point isn't what that decision was, but what you'd call this "what if?" feeling. Maybe it is just as simple as "what if?" Maybe I'm overthinking it. But that's just me. I like to think, "What would it be like now if things had been different then, if I'd been in a position to make different choices?" Obviously it would be different, but how? And what would my life be like if I were in a position to make that decision today?
It's not even a matter of "If I knew then what I know now," because it's not what I know necessarily. It's where I am, who I am. No matter what I knew back then, that decision, that "choice," as it were, would have been a bad one. Or at least not a good one. This is the first time in my life I feel as if I would be qualified to make that decision, and it's simply not an option, for many reasons. It's like saying "You can't get there from here." A Catch-22, even. Or like the cruel irony of youth being wasted on the young. Only this isn't exactly cruel. It makes me a little sad, maybe a touch melancholy. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think makes me appreciate the circumstances I've wandered into by not making that decision.
It's all good. The decisions (and lack thereof) that have led me to where I am now -- I'd consider them the right ones. For me. At the time. In my circumstances. If I had them to make now, in this life, in these circumstances, I might choose differently. And just knowing that, strangely, is enough. Maybe that's because it has to be enough; I'll never know. But it is, and that's OK. And it still makes me smile.
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