mother figure, go figure

I don’t know why it happened. Or how or when. And I don’t really care. It just is, and it feels right. I’ve never felt maternal -- for anything with only two legs, anyway. I wouldn’t be good at it. You can’t go back on that decision; it can’t be undone. And I certainly didn’t want to screw up someone else’s life beyond repair. But I find it now in my thoughts, and it feels good. It comes out my pores and soothes my skin. I love how it washes over me. I love how I don’t always realize it in the moment because it seems natural. And I love later, when I do realize.

I know they are not mine. I’m not trying to make them mine, to pretend they’re mine. So how did this come to be? How did I come to feel so maternal, so protective of them? I want to nurture and teach and give of myself. But I’m afraid of trying to give too much, afraid they won’t want what I have to offer. How can I love without intruding? How can I fulfill that role without being a “replacement?” How do I walk that line? And do I have the right to even try?

I know some think not. They have doubts, suspicions. Maybe they even fear the role I'm hoping to carve out, fear I'm trying to replace them, too. But I can’t waste my energy on them. I know my intentions are true and real. I can’t worry -– I try not to, at least -- about what they think. Fear and hurt and anger can blur your perceptions, and I try to see it from that vantage point. But clearly they don’t try to see it from mine.

I do love those two. Like my own? I don’t know. I don’t have my own. But I do know that I look at them with pride. I want to see them grow and learn and love. I want to play some kind of role, to be able to bring some kind of joy or happiness to them. Maybe this is the way I was meant to play out my “maternal” self. Is that selfish, deep down, because I know it will make me feel good to do that?

I don’t know how they feel. They probably don’t even know, really. I hope we can talk about it some day. I hope I can tell them how I feel, how I loved feeling our relationships grow, even when I wasn’t really aware of it. I hope they can understand, and know I tried to walk that line the best way I could. And I hope they can tell me they felt it too, on some level, at least, and make a place for me in their inner circle.

That may never happen, but that’s another thing I can’t worry about. I can only give my energy to making sure today is taken care of, and to the people who feel the same way and believe that anything I can give isn’t meant to replace, only to enhance. I know that’s what’s most important. And I know he believes in my intentions. And I know he loves me.

So maybe that’s why. Go figure.