osmosis

I haven't been through the same pain, grief, and loss as some. I've had my share of different kinds, and I've come through (I realize now) stronger and better able to cope with the next crisis. And I've had my experiences with short-term "appreciation" after a tragedy. You think, "If I get through this, I will never be petty or small again. I'll be grateful for the little things and remember every day how short life is." Like when people in New York were so pleasant and courteous and patient with each other in the fall of 2001. Reaching out to strangers, smiling, letting people in front of them at the entrance to the Holland Tunnel. It was like a whole new city. Until it wasn't anymore.

But now I feel gratitude and an appreciation for life and the little things in a way that I've never felt before. Not in a big grandiose way, after some disturbing event, where I'm compelled to move to the opposite end of the spectrum in an effort to neutralize the pain. Not that I have to shout it in the streets and analyze it in my head until it doesn't mean anything anymore. But I find myself smiling in places and situations that seem ... unusual. Being quietly grateful from my gut for something that's pretty trivial on the surface. Like sitting in a movie theater. Or husking corn. Or grocery shopping. It's really not the places, now that I think about it, but the people in those places. I am more thankful for a short-term plane ride or a trip to the mall than I ever thought I could be.

Nothing specific has happened to cause this shift. Just being around people who are grateful, who have known great loss and can still appreciate everything in their lives, has somehow instilled in me a new gratitude. It's a long-term effect from constant exposure to the ultimate in appreciation for what you have, not despair over what you don't.

And I like it. I like that fluttery feeling in my chest when I catch myself realizing how lucky I am. I like the odd look from strangers who catch me smiling unconsciously for no apparent reason. Most of all, I like that I like my life. It's a nice change of pace.