remember me?

I wish I could have known you better. Or maybe not. Then I'd probably miss you more. And maybe the loss would have been harder for you if we'd been closer. I wouldn't want that. I wonder how you are from time to time. Clearly, or else I wouldn't be dreaming about you. I wonder what story you were told about why I was suddenly gone from your lives. And if it even mattered to you.

I wonder if you'll remember me years from now. That's a little selfish, but I can't help thinking about it. I don't expect you to look me up when you get out of college, just maybe have a fleeting memory and think, "Oh, yeah, I remember her. She gave me a souvenir penny from the Crayola factory." Or, "Her parents made me an Easter basket." Then again you might think, "She's the reason I didn't get to spend a lot of time with my father."

It's OK. I couldn't blame you for thinking that, or even if you think that now. You were little girls. But I can blame him. I couldn't see it at the time, but my god, how selfish he was. The smugness and sense of entitlement, expecting things to go smoothly just because he wanted them to. And the criticism when they didn't. He certainly didn't break a sweat fostering the relationships between us. I was an adult, too. I could have made an effort. But honestly, I didn't know how. My gut told me he wasn't doing us any favors with his methods. I knew it wasn't good, but I didn't know how to change it. What did I know about kids? Nothing, really. And what little I thought I knew he disregarded, simply because I'd never given birth, apparently a criterion for understanding children. Maybe this is all no excuse, but it's the truth.

I know now how things should have happened, or at least one scenario that would have helped us get on better, might have even endeared us to each other. Maybe on some level he didn't want that, wanted to keep things separate in a freakish way to maintain control, remain at the helm of two separate ships instead of risking what he would perceive as a mutiny if the crew actually weren't always at odds. That, or he was thoroughly delusional and ignorant. What a choice! I hope your senses of self are strong enough to overcome having such a selfish prick as a parental figure.

I hope your lives go well, that you thrive and prosper and travel smooth roads, the ones you've chosen for yourselves and not had laid out for you by one trying to live vicariously. And I hope if you do remember me, it's with some bit of fondness, at least one nice memory. If you can't, I'd rather you forget me altogether.